Why do your parents refuse help?

It happens so often.  You see that mom or dad need extra help.  Maybe the house isn't being cleaned as much or the mail isn't being opened.  They don't want to cook or eat much any more.  So you do the right thing and step up to help.  We all have busy lives and when you offer to bring in a caregiver, the answer you hear most often is:  "I don't need any help.  I'm doing fine".

The best approach to a parent who refuses help is to back off and look at the situation from a different perspective.  Most often your parents assume that if they tell you something is wrong, you will want to help and try to solve the problem.  In their eyes your help may lead to disruption of your life, loss of their driving privileges or a move outside of their home.  They fear that once they start getting help, nothing will be the same any more.

You probably hear things like:  "Stop worrying, this happens to everybody my age" or "I've been taking care of myself for years and I'm still here.  I'll call you if I need help."  To some of our parents, aging means a loss of independence, relinquishing the role as head of the family, and becoming a burden on the kids.  It can also mean a constant battle to maintain their privacy and control of their future.  Although changes may be necessary for their health and safety, to your parents these changes may seem dis-heartening, disorienting, and humiliating.  You can help prevent that by doing some of the following:
     Plan your actions and ideas thoroughly.  Try to provide alternated plans to ease the anxiety and provide comfort.
     Talk to your parents before you make any changes.  Explain that your decision is only due to your concern for health and safety.  Don't force any issues.  Try to talk through them and be as sympathetic as possible.  This is a big deal to them.
     Present your parents with options.  This will give them a sense of control.  Bring in a caregiver for your parents to meet.  Let them chose who they like and don't like.  If your parents feel in control, they will be more likely to cooperate.